Audiences... 

The Scourge of Mobile Phones and Talkers.

Got your attention already haven't I?

In a perfect world, or if there were any justice, it would be entirely legal to take one of those tranquilliser blow dart things into the cinema to use on the exposed necks of these patrons (I was going to call them something else, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt), who don't feel complete unless they have their compulsory, (every 10 minutes at least) play with their beloved, can't live without comforter - otherwise known as the wretched mobile phone. Why don't the staff do something about this menace? Would you dare ask one of these people to switch off their phone? Would you risk death to yourself by threatening to confiscate said device, if he or she refused to switch it off? No good having them switch it off anyway, since five seconds later it goes back on again just in case they miss that oh so important call about the multi million pound deal they are about to close. No one groans anymore when they go off - even more worrying than the lack of respect demonstrated by the 'Hello? Gang'. It's okay, these people are going to make me rich - I have invented a mobile phone in the shape of a child's dummy - one that DOESN'T work in the cinema...

Talkers...  

Is it that: 'Not all of their dogs are barking?' 

Where do these people get off annoying others? Why can't they just SHUT THEIR GOB for two hours? Why? Why? Some of these people not only have no manners whatsoever, but they have absolutely no sense of direction either, since they obviously got very lost on their way to Speakers Corner, which is a long way from the cinema I go to. Yes, the blow dart thing, only it wouldn't be tranquilliser in the dart - something a little stronger, well strong enough to...

I suppose it's a substitute for them when their mobile isn't ringing. Perhaps that's it, they are talking to their mobile, reassuring it: "Don't worry, the film will soon be over and  we can go outside and I can press your buttons". (Forget vibrate mode, that's the sound of a contented, loved, purring mobile phone you can here).

Yep, feel better thanks.

Audience atmosphere can be great though of course. Some of the opening night blockbusters I have been to were made all the more special by the very up for it crowd. I love the buzz real film fans create naturally when the wait is finally over for the film they have been looking forward to for months, years even.

Just one question: Why is it 'acceptable' to talk and use mobile phones in the cinema, when it quite simply isn't, at the theatre or opera? I will leave that there, making no more derogatory remarks about the average modern day cinema clientele. 

Cinema audiences...

Trust me, in a perfect world they'd all be just like me. A slight murmuring before the lights properly go down is perfectly fine, in fact it's to be expected from anyone sane enough to be actually looking forward to the movie they've just spent their £5-£8 to see.

But, the lights dimming and the BBFC certificate being displayed is an insultingly obvious sign for everyone to 'please shut their faces for the next two hours!'. Who's the most evil and frightening person you can think of? Adolf Hitler? Jeffrey Dahmer? Angela Lansbury? How about our very own Frank Bough? Maybe the answer is for the cinema owners to display a photo of one of these people, just so the audience is frozen mute with fear.

Things aren't that bad of course. Very frequently now the sound of the 'Hello Gang' is thankfully drowned out - by the sound of mobile phones ringing! "Yeah, I'm in the cinema. Where are you? Where? I can't hear you." (Followed by the inevitable 'stare' at the glowing green screen, as if that will improve the quality of connection). 

It's a very strange phenomenon, the fact that even a slight murmur from a conversation a few seats away, the sort of thing you wouldn't even notice if you were sat say in a cafe, becomes just as irritating in a cinema as a full-blown, talk-out-loud, hey listen to me!, conversation. Except for the motor mouths themselves, it's just so, so easy not to do or say anything. Just sit back, try to concentrate on the film and hope they will soon tire of talking or, horror of horror, even actually start taking an interest in the film they're 'watching'.

The worst for me is a fairly recent event. A Clockwork Orange at Dagenham Warner Village. Now, having seen a dodgy video copy a few years back, I knew what not to except from this film, and that was a film littered with violence from start to finish, despite it's reputation (for the uninitiated it was withdrawn from UK cinemas by it's own director Stanley Kubrick shortly after it's release in the early Seventies following a series of 'copycat' muggings/beatings).

Well, things started off okay. The first half of the film, including the beating to death of a tramp. a mass brawl between two rival gangs, the rape of one women and the murder of another seemed to keep Dagenham's finest happy enough. But Kubrick's films, despite being unique creations, can also be safely considered 'hard work'. Sure enough, mid-way through the film when things get quite wordy, well in-between the long pauses, the 'voices' in our row, the back row, always the back row, started rising. Things deteriorated to such an extent that when the final scene faded and the words 'The End' appeared, one on the 'voices' piped up with "Thank **** for that!" Well pardon me, Brain of Britain, but why didn't you just vacate the place if you weren't enjoying it?! Oh no, far more fun to bring the entertainment down from the screen into the back row.

And while I'm at it, full praise to the woman (again at Dagenham Warner Village) who had the courage during the screening of Stir of Echoes to have a right go at the 'talker' a few seats behind her. OK, the whole audience was treated to the pair of them exchanging, shall we say criticism, for a few minutes but at least it eventually had the desired effect - it takes a full blown row before the staff will intervene.  

Well, I'm hoping as you've been reading this you've been nodding your head thinking "Oh yes, I'm right with you on that". Maybe, on an up note, putting up with these in-house entertainers is preferable to the exact opposite. Quite what made my buddy at the time and I see Scrooged right at the very end of it's run Christmastime run I'll never know. Sure enough, with the Xmas atmosphere fading fast, people had other things on their minds that January 1989, than seeing Bill Murray (him again!) extolling the virtues of a good life. So there we were, just the two of us, in the old ABC in Oxford Street. Now no longer there, replaced I believe by a McDonalds - a British institution replaced by an American one. Figures, I guess.

Now, I'm reliably informed by Chris that a cinema is legally obliged to show a film even if there's just one audience member. It's not however, something I'd recommend. Just to add insult to injury, you may recall the final scenes of Scrooged when Bill Murray addresses the camera, urging first the left side of the cinema and then the right, to sing along. I guess me and my buddy weren't in the mood for a duet!

Then again, some would say that's the perfect audience, just you and whoever you're with. Not for me though. I prefer an audience, just one that sodding well refrains from... you know the rest.